she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
