I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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