theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize