so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
