before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
