everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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