i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
