he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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