Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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