Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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