My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
