Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
