I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
