I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
