Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
