The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
