"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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