2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
