Someone shit on the floor
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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