I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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