dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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