I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
