did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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