Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
