How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
