i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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