I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
They have beer where we have blood.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
