good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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