I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
