i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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