Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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