Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
