just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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