i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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