i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
