Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
be right there i have to get my cape
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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