My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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