Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
