So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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