Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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