I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
