and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
