why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
