I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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