And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
