last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize