I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
