Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
