I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize