Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
