my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Mom said you looked used
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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