i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Dick very happy bro
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
