Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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