not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
