Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm at about main and main street
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
