I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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