you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
