Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
