All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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