that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
there is glitter all over my balls
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
