The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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