We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
