I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
