I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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