stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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