haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
