I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
