woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
