Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
