More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
