Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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