I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
