i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
