i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
