Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
