I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
