Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
