Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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