Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
