I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize