I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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