tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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