just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
