just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
